


Stucky playlist - Evanescence edition

by LBibliophile



Series: Drabbles, Assemble [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Bingo Fill, Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Drabble Sequence, Gen, M/M, Obsessive Steve Rogers, Pining, Playlist, Star Spangled Bingo, Thank you very much Endgame, Unhappy Ending, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-14 09:44:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21013730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LBibliophile/pseuds/LBibliophile
Summary: A sequence of drabbles tracking the development of Stucky through the MCU. Through grief, and reveals, and obsession, and yearning... reaching, but never quite able to hold...Each drabble is inspired by the lyrics of an Evanescence song.1. Bucky (pre-CA:TWS) - Never go back2. Steve (Avengers) - My heart is broken3. Steve (CA:TWS) - My Immortal4. Bucky (CA:TWS) - Bring me to life5. Steve (CA:TWS-CA:CW) - What you want6. Bucky (CA:TWS-CA:CW) - Whisper7. Steve (CA:TWS-CA:CW) - Taking over me8. Steve (CA:CW credits) - The other side9. Bucky (A:IW) - Lost in paradise10. Bucky (A:E) - The change11. Steve (A:E) - OceansWritten for:Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019 - PiningStar Spangled Bingo 2019 - Failing to tell the other how he feelsWhumptober 2019





	1. I can still see your face / where it’s burned into my mind

**Author's Note:**

> When I enjoy a song I have the habit of trying to fit it to my current favourite fandom. I realised that a lot of the Evanescence songs I listened to were matching various parts of the Stucky narrative; so I decided to put them in order and fill in the gaps.
> 
> I hadn't realised quite how obsessive about Bucky Steve would come across as...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Never Go Back  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/nevergoback.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbuP9Na7LZ0)
> 
> Whumptober day 10: Unconscious

The Asset doesn’t dream, or… that’s what they claim.

He thinks they’re wrong. Because as he becomes aware, the chill of cryo receding, strange thoughts and feelings slip across his mind. A face, haunting him

A smile and all-encompassing… contentment? _Stevie_.

A desperate cry echoing as his grip fails and he falls, image tinged with… regret, and love? _Bucky!_

A newspaper clipping prompting a bone-deep ache of… grief? _Captain America lost at sea_.

He doesn’t know who the blonde is or was, only that he matters. To him, not to the Asset.

He clings to the memory like a lifeline.


	2. I will wander 'til the end of time / torn away from you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by My Heart is Broken  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/nevergoback.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_P9YVZQCEQA)
> 
> Whumptober day 29: numb

Steve fell asleep in 1943, the icy Arctic water steadily filling the cockpit of the broken plane.

But… then he wakes. It is 2012, and a New York that should be familiar but isn’t, and everyone he knew is either dead or elderly. 

He tries to go on, to adjust and adapt to this new world, as they want him to. And gradually he gets used to the new time.

But it doesn’t help. Nothing helps.

Because there is a reason why he didn’t try to escape the crashing plane. A part of him had already died; watching Bucky fall.


	3. I've tried so hard / to tell myself you're gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by My Immortal  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/myimmortal.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxrTVf2vkLs)  
  
Whumptober day 22: Hallucination

The mask comes off, and Steve doesn’t know what to think.

It is impossible. He saw him fall.

But he knows that face, it has haunted his dreams for months.

It is impossible. He died decades ago.

But he knows that face, saw it transition from childhood to adult.

It is impossible. Surely just a hallucination brought on by stress and desperate longing.

But he _knows_ that face, better than he knows his own.

_It is impossible_. That man is _dead_. He grieved him, and he doesn’t know if he can survive hoping only to lose him again.

But… _“Bucky?”_


	4. Call my name / and save me from the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Bring Me to Life  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/bringmetolife.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eGM0IJc70Y)  
  
Whumptober alt 1: Wake up

_“Bucky?”  
_ _"Who the hell is Bucky?”_

Who is this man?

Who is this man; who can meet him blow for blow, but freezes when he sees his face?

Who is this man; who has him defeated, injured and pinned, then returns to free him?

Who is this man; who throws away his shield, surrendering himself to the one he calls his friend?

Who is this man who, with every look, every word, digs himself deeper into his mind; calling up half-remembered memories and feelings?

Who is this man who unmakes him? (Saves him.)

Who is the ‘Bucky’ he calls for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually actually headcanon the second verse of the song as being from Steve's POV. Because Bucky saves him from being Captain America just as much as he saves Bucky from being the Winter Soldier.


	5. 'til you find what you're looking for / (got to remember who you really are)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by What You Want  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/whatyouwant.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ktqDfzlxKQ)  
  
Whumptober alt 6: Lost

Steve hunts for Bucky. He knows he shouldn’t.

Bucky has just had his whole world turned inside out, waking up from seventy years of brainwashing and amnesia. He probably needs time just to remember how to be a person, let alone reclaiming ‘Bucky’.

He should let Bucky come back to him in his own time. But he can’t help it.

Because what if he doesn’t? What if, whatever memories prompted Bucky to save him in the Potomac aren’t strong enough? What if he needs Steve there to remind him?

Steve tries to respect his choice. But he can’t lose him again.


	6. I know I can stop the pain / if I will it all away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Whisper  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/whisper.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ots1ybN3Rgw)  
  
Whumptober Day 19: Asphyxiation

Some days, he misses being the Asset; misses the simple unquestioning obedience. Because remembering _hurts_.

The Asset was a weapon, no more no less. He didn’t have to think or feel.

But being Bucky Barnes means trying to be a good person, and acknowledging when he fails. And he has spent the last seventy years failing.  
The guilt is suffocating.

It would be so much easier to just give up, not care.

But.

There is the man from the helicarrier. Captain America. Steve Rogers.  
He looked at the Asset and saw ‘Bucky’. He wants to be the man Steve saw.


	7. I'd give up everything / just to find you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Taking Over Me  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/takingoverme.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YklqpZxLE1Y)  
  
Whumptober day 3: Delirium

_Bucky’s alive_. The knowledge arcs through him like lightning; sharp and bright.

_Bucky’s alive_. He doesn’t recognise Steve, remember him, or even himself. Steve will remind him.

_Bucky’s alive_. He’s fighting for the bad guys, but it must be someone else’s fault – HYDRA’s fault. Steve has to save him.

_Bucky’s alive_. He pulled Steve from the water, Steve knows he did. So he must remember something.

_Bucky’s alive_. He’s hiding, poor confused Bucky. Steve will find him.

_Bucky’s alive_. He was framed; it’s not his fault. Steve has to warn him, protect him.

_Bucky’s alive_. And therefore, so is Steve.


	8. Holding together / by the shards of our past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by The Other Side  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/theotherside.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17cB6QR94yQ)  
  
Whumptober Alt 8: "Stay quiet"

Steve tries not to let his feelings show as he watches the frost creep across Bucky’s face. But it _hurts_. It hurts to lose Bucky so soon after finding him (again; why must they always lose each other?).

Every time Bucky is gone Steve is reminded just how much his friend means to him, how lost he is without him. Now more than ever, Bucky is home.

He sighs. And that’s why this is for the best. The Wakandans are working on a way to remove the trigger words; when they do, Steve will be waiting to welcome Bucky home.


	9. You believed in me / but I'm broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Lost in Paradise  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/lostinparadise.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-NR82P_nx4)  
  
Whumptober Day 15: Scars

This should be a happy ending.

He is free; he remembers who he was, the triggers are removed from his mind. The Wakandans have offered him a home for as long as he needs. Steve visits regularly, and he can feel their friendship trying to turn into something more.

He wants it, oh how he wants. He was falling for Steve long before he fell from the train.

But he fell too far.

The trigger words were not the only way he is broken. He can’t be the man Steve remembers… wants… needs.

This should be their happy ending…


	10. Say you love me / but it's not enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by The Change  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/thechange.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYlvcgGSiE0)  
  
Whumptober Day 26: Abandoned

How did they end up here?  
How did they get to this point, hugging farewell as Steve voluntarily abandons him?

He knows he isn’t the Bucky Steve remembers, will never be that Bucky. But that doesn’t meant that he wants or needs Steve any less.

Steve put so much effort into saving him, helping him to remember who he was, rebuilding who he is now.

Steve said he loves him.

But the new Bucky is not enough.  
_He_ is not enough; not to keep Steve here against the lure of the past.

His farewell smile feels more like a grimace.


	11. Can't keep pretending everything's / going to be alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Oceans  
[lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/oceans.html) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCqk25VYKtM)  
  
Whumptober Day 23: Bleeding out

The un-Snap should have fixed things.  
But Natasha died, and Tony died, and Bucky… 

He can’t keep doing this.

He spent two years grieving for the Bucky who fell.  
He spent two years searching for the Bucky who was brainwashed.  
He spent two years waiting for the Bucky who chose cryo.  
He spent _five years_ grieving for the Bucky who was Dusted. 

He can’t keep trying, keep caring. Not when it just means losing him over and over again.

_His _ Bucky died long ago: he refuses to grieve this one too.

For him, this is the end of the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added this chapter because I wanted a vaguely sympathetic, more in-character, explanation for that one Endgame scene. I can believe that Steve is suffering from emotional fatigue, especially re:Bucky, and the chance to escape it was too tempting.  
(Just don't look at the lyrics too closely. A more literal interpretation of many lines - the chorus in particular - implies that Steve left because he couldn't forgive Bucky being the WS... But I like Steve, and really didn't want to write him as being that callous.)


End file.
